For starters, I never saw myself going to college. It just wasn’t a future I could picture for myself, right up there with having kids and getting married. But here I am now, a recent college grad, sitting at home with my Bachelor of Arts in Media Communication wondering: “Now what?”.
It’s not as if I haven’t given it any thought; on the contrary, how could I not think about it when the entirety of my last year all I heard was: “So what are your plans after graduation?”, “Do you know what you’re going to do?”, “What do you want to do?”, etc.
I HATE THOSE QUESTIONS. I loathed those questions. By the end of it all, I was ready to stab the next person who asked in the throat.
It’s scary. I don’t know if anyone realizes it, but it is scary. Yes, I graduated with a degree and whatnot, but like I still have no idea what I’m doing or what I want to do. Okay, maybe I do, a little. I want to travel. I want fun and excitement. I want to be happy. I’m so scared that I’ll end up trapped in a “9-5” corporate job (though I’m not saying that it would be terrible, but the fear of being restricted, of having a monotonous routine, of being stuck is so real). I’m so scared that if I do end up with a job that I like, I’ll stop liking it–I’ll hate it, I’ll be so bored and tired of going to work that it’ll feel like a chore. I don’t want that.
So my dilemma. Now what? When I first started college, I was in the Education program on my way to becoming an elementary teacher, but I couldn’t handle it. I really couldn’t handle it. I had my first mental breakdown and left school after a semester into my Sophomore year. Once deciding that Education probably wasn’t the best route for me, I came back and declared myself a Media Communication major. Why? Honestly, still to this day, I have no idea why I chose that major. It wasn’t a mistake, but at times I sort of wished I had tried to double major even though I’m perfectly happy with my two minors (Creative Writing and Theatre). I don’t regret Media Communication at all because I’ve learned so much and had a lot of fun. I met really cool people and got to do amazing things (such as make two films and a half hour of my own radio show)!
Bless you Carolyn Thompson, you literal angel and my saving grace. So my wonderful (used-to-be) Advisor (Carolyn, if you haven’t caught on) is a HUGE advocate for people having their own business. This woman of greatness advised me to do my own food-travel blog business because she knows how much I want to travel and that I really like food. Do you know what a great idea I thought that was until I sat down to think about the logistics? First, I don’t even have a car to do the traveling part in. Second, it would take me a while to build up a reputable name that businesses would actually want to pay me to come to their place to eat and post about. Third, it’s also scary. What if it didn’t take off? Then what? I have no backup plan (I never have a backup plan, you would think I would have learned by now).
So I’m a bit of a scaredy-cat. If you know me, it doesn’t seem likely. There’s a lot of pressure though; everyone telling me that I’m going to do amazing things and whatnot. Am I? It sure doesn’t feel that way. I only know the concrete things that I don’t want to do as jobs and that doesn’t really help because my options of what I do want to do are hard to achieve and it’s not that I’m not willing, but I’m scared to fail this time.
Acting? Hard. Hard to do, hard to get in to. I’m so worried about money and my debts that I won’t stop working a part-time just yet to go after it even though every fiber of me is screaming to just give it a go. I’ve grown so much as an actor and I’ve always wanted to.
Writing? Hard. Any author worth their salt will tell you that it is not easy. I have so many notebooks filled with ideas, but I’m still struggling in trying to finish them. And don’t even get me started on even trying to get published. That’s a whole other ball game that I can’t even remotely touch until I can finish writing a single story.
Traveling? Hard. Hard to fund. Sure there’s tons of bloggers out there that tell you it’s not hard traveling on a budget–I’ve read those blogs! They’re very discouraging to me, in all actuality.
So I sit here, lost. I see my friends and classmates that are getting married, finding jobs, having kids, and just doing things with their lives. I know we all move at different speeds and have different things going on in our lives, but looking at all of them makes me feel more stuck. If you can help a sister out, then please do. As a matter of fact, please just help each other out. We’re all here trying to survive. Why make it any harder than it has to be? Living shouldn’t be a chore.